Visiting the View Out of Other Windows

New windows are very exciting, and even better are windows that we visit every so often.  We can reunite with sights, feelings, and stories that feed our souls.  

Visiting family that are not close by is something we tend to every few months.  It's so envigorating to be around young people-- they are going to work and school, telling us about their present victories, accomplishments, experiences all while we are in their environment which is so different than ours.  After all, there are the family pets, the stash of morning cereals that are not bought with fiber being the main ingredient, the television programs that are not newsworthy, the timetables and schedules that are a must to everybody but we retired folks.  

After a few days of being with these loved ones,  of enjoying what they enjoy and seeing things through their eyes, we will be refreshed again and ready to return to our fiber filled cereals and easy listening music.  

Right now though we are excitedly awaiting a school bus to drop off our charges.  What will we do with them once they are in our midst?  Perhaps a movie?  Whatever it is, I anticipate some lovely smiles and feelings of love all around me.

October Already?

Wind softly blows the leaves and dirt around the patio, the trees lightly dance proclaiming their part in this wondrous dance that nature does, and I sit before my window enjoying...peacefully enjoying.

Of course there is chaos in the world: a government shut down, the crazy antics of the celebrity elite, a disaster somewhere.  Then there are the many stories of common humankind just living or trying to live.  Each of these is a dance choreographed in a different way, the media has a part in focusing on the sensationalism that is their forte' so that we get glimpses of what is extraordinary, not real, possibly not true and if true not always something to be proud.  Maybe with that somehow we can feel the power in being just us (common humankind) doing our own individual dance.

Each one of us creates our own dance that we get to choreograph through experiences, creating, teaching, wondering, learning, helping, rescuing, etc.  We can choose then each day what our dance will be.

Today I am enjoying the wind, sun, trees, birds, my Jacky and my friends...just keepin' it simple breathing, yes breathing, loving each breath.

Joy

So it's Thursday, nothing on my calendar except Felipe and Natalya.  So by the end of today our house should be clean and the yard picked up and de-weeded.  Yay!

Checking email this morning and I have 100-something incoming so I want to go through those and read all the art blogs I subscribe to, tend to those matters pending, and write to a person Anje has referred me to who is having an art thingee this summer and wants artists to participate.  So, good day for busy work and maybe will do some painting.

I sometimes wonder how I got here, to this place in my life.  I recall my past; growing up as a shy, and really introverted girl, marrying young her first boyfriend, then having children because that's the next step, then taking back her independence to reclaim some sense of herself without others directing her life.

Fast forward to 2013 and I have my knight in shining armor, 2 wonderful daughters that I am so proud of, and I am authentically me.  Why do I get this life?  I think anyone can have it.  It's the attitude, the attitude of finding joy in everything one experiences.

Aha Again

At my window today, I remember yesterday...which began a little less than ideally.  I overslept first of all til 8:30 which I never, ever do.  I wanted to be at SC Gallery by 10, but thought if I was there by 11 would be okay as that's the opening time.  Not true, opening time is 10 on Sundays BUT somebody else had opened so I got on with my day.

That isn't the story here though, the story is the Aha moment I had...me 'n the Universe and our Relationship, that is the story.

So got all my stuff loaded into the car: a painting, paints, easel, canvas drop cloth for floor, lunch, purse, ipad, cellphone, etc.  I'm sitting in the car parked in the driveway fooling around with the GPS when Jack arrives home from playing his round of golf.  I try to explain what I am doing, but he's under the impression that I am backing out of the driveway and is waving good bye.  I realize windows are shut on the car and he can't hear me so I decide to just leave without setting the GPS.  It's easier to set the GPS after I'm on my way than to figure out how to open the windows and then explain to my husband.  Trust me, this is truth.

 After a few miles I pull over and set my GPS so that I can know when I will arrive at the gallery, 11:07a.m.  Late!  I am very irritated at myself, I'm going to be late.  I am hitting every red light, I'm not sure of the route I should take, I'm wanting to call someone at the gallery to let them know I will be late but nobody is there-- it's my day to work the gallery!  I'm beginning to freak out, I'm talking to myself out loud and realize every light I hit is red, and that GPS lady--I'm going to kill her!

Whew!  I hit the off button on the GPS and Aha, I should have listened when the U didn't want me to use the GPS way back when I was in the driveway at home.   At this point I decide so what if I'm 7 minutes late?  Maybe I can make up the time if only the stop lights will work with me...and this is my Aha moment once I decide to relax, stop speeding up the mountain and just be in the flow of the Universe.  I realize I'm at odds with the world, with the road, with the trees, the birds...I am just fighting myself to be heard in the U and the U is not listening.  I quit drinking my cup of coffee, switch to water, put the spa station on the radio and begin the process of calming myself in order to get in tune with the Universe.  I am finally enjoying the day in the new car, with lovely music on and appreciating ALL THAT IS when it comes into my mind to call Annie and let her know this Aha.  We talk, I get calmer and calmer and finally the Universe is with me again and all the lights are green into Sutter Creek.

I was an hour late, after all the gallery is suppose to open at 10am on Sunday.  Laura had opened for me, Thank you U, and she understood.  Now to get myself squared away in the future.

Dressing the Part

So this morning I'm in my closet for a half an hour trying to figure out what to wear.  It's not because I'm going anywhere special.  Not going to work, not going to the art gallery to put in my time, not meeting friends for lunch, not doing a date with Hubby...lol,  just at the house today gardening and painting in the studio.

Problem is there's a top I want to wear; a kind of tank top with a flared bottom tunic length.  It's flimsy material and I think I paid over $50 for it last summer and have never worn it.  So I put it on, hate my arms coming through but it's a flattering, comfortable fit and so now what to place over it or under it is my question.  So I look in the mirror and imagine skinny jeans, no; imagine shorts, no; and then realize the only pants would be my light sweats that have baggy, loose legs.  Those go on and then I suddenly know what else to do and so I throw the black tunic off and plunk on a long sleeve, white thinnest thin undershirt then replace the black top.  Voila! I'm ready to plop my hair into a bun and get to work!

I'm laughing as I walk out of the closet thinking about this crazy scenario wondering about me and realize the outfit is very important to me.  If I feel ugly I cannot do good work; I must dress for the occasion even if it is lounging all day, not seeing a single person, and simply spending time with me.
AND I recall when I was in the workforce, casual Friday was not a good day for me.  As soon as I put on those casual, play time clothes I was ready for socializing, laughing and fun and not ready to accomplish anything worthwhile.  So...I guess nothing changes in life.  We ARE like thoroughbreds as Jack keeps telling me.

Beginning my day in the proper attire, breathing pretty easily, and gonna get a lot of artful work done today.

Sissies and Old Age

The wind is making us a little nuts lately.  Papa's allergies drive him nuts.  My plants and trees suffer if I don't get out there and hand water every nook and cranny of the yard.  Even Kollin had a bloody nose yesterday from the dry air.  Oh, to have such problems and I say this smiling because I am not at all serious-- just a little part of daily life.

I read a blog yesterday by a girl that has fibromyalgia and her piece was about the invisibility of her illness.  She looks well so it's difficult for people to understand her sickly behavior.

And so it goes with ageing.  At points in an individual's life there are peaks; a time when all body organs are at their optimum, a time when all the bones have gotten to the best place they are ever going to be, the brain is at it's quickest and most healthy, muscles don't hurt and are supple and strong, a time (about 42 lol) when we look our best.  Then the human body begins its descent.

It begins in minor ways.  One notices street signs are difficult to see, it is more and more difficult to open jars and medicine bottles, there are nights when sleep is elusive, it takes a little longer to process  information and to "get" jokes.  I remember when it began for me Mom had a pillow that read OLD AGE AIN'T FOR SISSIES and we laughed, me thinking this old age thingee is a piece o' cake.

Now that I'm full fledged into it that pillow is not so funny.  I need one pair of glasses to see the street signs when I drive and a different pair to see for reading.  So that means of course I cannot see how fast I am going if I elect to see where I am going.  And yes there are those bifocal glasses that absolutely drive my brain crazy so those are not an option for me.   I just hang two pairs of glasses from my neck when I am out nowadays.  The arthritis in my thumbs is now moving to fingers and my forearms so I do a slow exercise routine in the A.M. so that I'm ready to open jars and bottles in the P.M.. Ha!  Jack and I hafta eat very carefully because not enough fiber is a problem, too much richness and tasty foods are a problem and heaven help us if we have too much alcohol, dessert, salsa, fried foods,  gravies, sauces, meats, processed stuff, and delicious fast foods.

Don't even get me started on our hearing, understanding jokes, and sleeping...those are stories for another day.

I end with stating that the invisibility of old age is probably a good thing, otherwise nobody would want to go there.  And if I am in denial and old age isn't invisible, just don't tell me!   I just thank the Universe that Jack and I are not and never have been Sissies...laughing out loud.

Attitude

Today as I sit outside in the privacy of my patio, I am enjoying "Blue Skies" the song, being played by my neighbor on her harmonica.  I think possibly she's rehearsing for something that she'll be doing with the Harmonicoots, an entertainment group here at SCR.  Now she's onto The Music Man.

So about a week ago, I was out here complaining to Oldest Daughter about the "noise" from next door.  I must have been in such a terrible state to be enjoying that negative attitude and condescending comment.  Now I remember Bene' telling me that it was a nice sound which stopped my complaining and then me tucking the scenario away for another time.  I guess I knew when my attitude was joyful again I would be able to appreciate this gift from the Universe.

Now I hear somebody's blower rrrreewwwwwwww, rrrrrrrreewwwwwww,  and I am fine with it.  It's the sound of life, of somebody doing their job, of a yard being clean, of a neighbor participating in this dance, this dance we all do:  Life

Oak Park, Friends and Art

Off to Oak Park today to paint with friends.  There's a street festival there every year and since I am in Patris' gallery there, I like to go out and participate.  It's a very happy group of residents that get together with music, food and art and welcome everyone and anyone to gather and do art, make art, be art!

I am going to take a sketch pad and some watercolor pens and just do some art out in the sunshine.

Of course Jack is disappointed that I am going away again today after being gone yesterday, but this has been planned for a while.  It's my event away from home with my art so I am desperately trying to get in the car and go without guilt.  Why the guilt?  Am I not worthy of going away for my art at least once a week?  I am worthy.

Off I go with Peawee's top down, breathing freely all the way.

Lessons from the Universe

A writing from January:

I sometimes wonder what the lesson is...that is, what is the Universe trying to tell me.  Is it my lesson or is it for somebody else that is involved in the scenario?  Is it a lesson for now or is it a lesson for the future and if it is for the future, will I realize it then and not now?

Got up at 4am today and really didn't fall asleep til late.  Frost covers the gold Course outside of my window this morning and it's 8am now.  The maintenance guys are going by in their tractors and mowers getting ready to finely manicure the grounds.  Another day begins and with it another day of severe cold here in Northern California.  Of course I already feel like it's lunchtime.

"Regrets and fears," Jack says, "are what we humans sometimes pay too much attention."  And yes those are what keep us from being right here in the moment, and then how can we listen to the Universe?

Love and the Ocean

A writing from January:

I'm not at my window but at a window located at the seashore.  I can see the crashing waves, families on their way to  somewhere, and dogs out for a walk with their people.  It's cold out there, lotsa hoodies on up over the heads and hardly anyone is wearing flip flops!   Oh and there're bikeriders with caps on, the tight fitting knitted kind.

How lovely to hear the waves, breathe in the smells, and feel the vastness of the ocean.  As I take it all in, I wonder about the whales and the dolphins and how we are connected.    I wonder about the young couple on the footbridge outside.  He is snapping a picture of her and she's fat, swollen with a baby...new life.  Are they happy, content, afraid or thinking about the whales as I am?  Now he's striking a GQ pose looking out to sea while she snaps him.  Are they in love?  Is it forever love?  Do whales love?

Thank You U, and U, and U

Another Sunday to enjoy the birds chatter;  smell the fresh morning dew on the grass; and taste my creamy, rich cup of coffee while AT MY WINDOW enjoying the elegant view.

Of course the image I am sharing is not of the elegant golf course but of a couple pots of geraniums and my rose bush that are right outside my window, and really they are so pretty against the backdrop of grass, trees and nature.

We enjoyed yesterday so much with kids and grandkids.  We grilled meats and veges, then hopped into the hot tub for an afternoon of conversation and laughter.  Papa mostly watched baseball on t.v. because checking in with us every little while to keep himself  in the mix, sorta.  He's not a social animal, and really a little introverted in this his 80th year.  Of course we had Everett to keep our attention the whole afternoon.  He is the extrovert in this group and always sooo busy.

I am a lucky woman, and I say lucky because a couple of times in my life I made some good choices and I don't remember consciously making them but they just sorta happened.  Of course it doesn't escape me that I have the life I always dreamed of having so somebody orchestrated events for me to have this third act.  Me and the Universe, we are good together.  Thank you Universe!

Roses and Dad

Beautiful outside already, 7:30am, and I love that about Northern California.  There's no morning uck to burn off before sunniness is around us.  The trees in the distance have long shadows on the fairway and all the green is back after the grays and emptiness of the winter.  Thank you Universe for this lovely day and for the sound sleep I enjoyed last night.

I see that my one rose bush has about 8 buds beginning to burst.  Dad's had his influence on that bush, I feel his presence everytime I see home grown roses.  You know the ones I mean:  they're not perfect, kinda floppy but intense in color and the fragrance fills one's head, and immediatly one knows they were not produced in a controlled environment but left to be a part of nature.

Love you Dad.

A Tree

Sunday already at my window and today I just want to talk about my window, well not the actual window but the view outside of it.

Today my focus is on a tree that is on the other side of the fairway growing at the edge of the creek that runs there.  It is sooo green, you know a true grass green and darker on the right shadowy side.  Then the branches that come this way are bathed in sunlight and One can make out the small leaves, the shapes of the clusters of leaves with the color becoming a more yellow-green at the tips on the left sides of the clusters.  Of course there are many values of the greens beginning darker in the shadows. The left side of the tree is again in shadow because there is mure shrubbery growing to the left placing that side in the cast shadow.  The trunk almost disappears into the shadows underneath the tree and when I focus there I see that there are other trunks barely visible that belong to trees that are located behind this front one.

I love this view; the simpleness of the tree, the complexity of the tree.  From a distance it is lovely, stoic and standing to provide beauty and shade.  If we walk over to it we realize it is home to so many birds, lizards, flying insects, crawling insects, living things tnat we don't even see.  If we study trees we find that they help provide our air, create habitat for larger animals like squirrels amd skunks etc.

For me, I sit and ponder this tree and try to get into its wisdom, into just being here like the tree for we are the same on so many levels.  We are created from the same beginning cosmic cell conspiracy, we are on earth to live together not communicating with words but there is spiritual connection, there is so much to be learned from this tree.  Thank you Universe for this tree.

Hurtful Words

It's dark outside my window this morning, 6 a.m., and I'm hoping for a nice day out at the flea market.

My thoughts last night in my dreams were of things that I say and that I don't mean, ways that others can misinterpret my intentions.  Well not even misinterpret because I can say out loud a condescending statement but in my head there are so many caveats, I actually do not mean what has come out of my mouth.  Because the further explanation is in my head, I don't really think further words out loud are necessary at the time.  The person to whom I'm speaking is usually too polite to ask for more information and just respond with a smile or laugh.  It's only later that I realize the harsh words that I really did not mean.  By then it is too late, the moment has passed.

Of course sometimes Jack does react in a hurt angry way to something I have said to him.  Then I am awakened to my hurtful, inappropriate comments with his promise to not talk to me anymore.  We argue because he must make me understand how my words did not convey my thoughts appropriately, and then we go on-- him being far more forgiving than I am.

I actually awoke a couple times last night with remembeances of a few of the harsh, hurtful things I have said out loud.  Can it be possible with my owning this behavior in this blog that I can change my future conversations?  We, me and my soul, can only try and then do our best.

A Grateful Sunday

So!  At my window this beautiful Sunday morning, I'm doing the gratitude thing.  I hear a few birds sharing their melodious sounds letting me know Spring is imminent.  A dong from the heavy metal chime reminds me Wind, my old friend, is still cooling the morning and spinning the smells of the flowers into my sacred window space.

As I enjoy the little puffs of yellow which will soon be happy daffodils smiling from my garden, a couple of intertwined finches hit the window pane reminding me that Spring is time for new life and renewals.  Soon we will be finding bird nests in the pepper trees and in the woodbeams of the patio.

Thank you Universe for accommodating me when you have, for pointing me in the correct direction when that was necessary, and for showing me the way when I was lost.  I am so grateful for those things that are there for me and for my being able to SEE those accommodations and directions and for the freedom to choose me.

A Simple Life

So at my window this beautiful Monday mornin' I am enjoying memories of a great weekend, looking forward to the weekend ahead at Ironstone Vineyards showing my art, and preparing to be present in this day getting ready for my presentation.

I have, so far this morning, printed images of all available art.  These will be included in my portfolio in which I am also including information about a couple of awards I have received, art affiliations I have, and about the blogs I have established.  I have visions of people lining up to check out this compilation of my work, however in reality will be happy if my husband is impressed because I know I am; impressed with myself, that is, and I say this laughing out loud at this fairy-tale I have contrived.

For it is all a joke you know.  In my head my life is what I always dreamed it would be:  retired after a wonderful career that I enjoyed immensely, kids all grown up and successful in their own right, grandkids at my beck and call whenever I need hugs and smiles, a husband that is a person of which I am soooooo proud and in desperate love, and I am a painter with lots of painterly friends who sells and shows her art on a regular basis enjoying the process along the way.  While all of this is true, I leave out all of the difficult times like when the water was turned off because I couldn't pay the bill, like when I was on a corner somewhere in Huntington Beach not knowing who I was or where I was going, like the numerous times Youngest Daughter had to drop off a check to pay the phone bill before it was turned off.  Those are just a few of the secrets I carry along with me on my life's journey.

I prefer not to have secrets anymore.  I'm out there with my stinkin' secrets, I'm painting all the hard times away and all the times I have felt sorry for myself.  I don't feel sorry anymore because I can breathe now, not having to keep the secrets allows me to breathe, to be honest, to be fulfilled without guilt.  Wow! Who knew this life was so simple?  And so funny, so stinkin' funny that it was so simple all along.

Best Friends Forever

So I absolutely adore my husband, my kids and grandkids; BUT my BFF, well there is a jewel to behold.

She gets me in a way that nobody else does and knows a lot of my secret needs, wants, past and present indescretions, family secrets...and we cuss when it's just the two of us.  Oh yes, we say the F word, use SHIT very liberally, and one of our favorites is A-hole!  We can complain about our daughters to each other without the other thinking less of the kid and without the other person coming back at us with the wonderfulness of their kid just to make the other feel bad.

We can see things from another perspective giving our BFF input that is invaluable to our social interactions.  When we get together for a doctor's appointment or for an excursion, we disclose all present dilemmas and either I can advise her or she advises me.  We do this for each other, but really I think she helps me more than I could ever do for her.  She absolutely has my back in every situation.

Love my BFF.

Law of Love and Questions

Today I learn the law of love; that what I give my brother is my gift to me.
~Unknown

At my window this morning, in an effort to serenely begin my day I read the above quote which is offered by the Zig Ziegler site.   It so resonates with my life right now, today, in that I am in touch with that "law" and desire living it.

It seems every once in a while I find myself in the middle of two points of view and in trying to please everyone, especially myself, my suppressed feelings begin to make me sick, melancholy and then turn to anger.  I am at the anger stage now and am not delighted over thinking that the anger must be shared if only to keep others aware of who I am and my need to be that person and not who somebody else wants me to be.

Am I selfish?  If I am true to my beliefs, even if my beliefs are wrong somewhere somehow, am I selfish to scream out and let myself be rid of the anger that stirs me to boiling?  Is it just society that judges the behavior as wrong or is it disturbing the Universe's balance?  And I know I don't mind about society's judgement, BUT unbalancing the plusses and minuses in the "U"?  Is that where I want to go?  If the above stated law of love is the "truth", then am I placing a plus into the "U"?  Maybe if I let go of the anger and scream and boil and just state my opinion calmly, will that put this onto the plus side?

Off to paint with the girls...and to try to breathe, to smile, to find some answers. 

  

Birth Days

So at my window this morning, I have no desire to sketch just to think and be in my head.  A granddaughter turns 14 today and her birthday, all birth days really inspire thoughts of the goodness of motherhood.  No matter what a person's circumstance, when a mother looks at that newborn in her arms, feels the warmth of that new life, smells and breathes in the freshness of her-- a miracle is realized.

Then as we get older and go through our choices, circumstances that we create; we become wiser and more thoughtful about life, what it means to be human and how we decide our own human-ness will take shape.  For me, my children were a part of that process and due to their insight and observance they were able to absorb some of the good that was around them.  I'm not saying there weren't any negatives around, but I guess part of the miracle of humans is that each generation is better and wiser.

Ok, so now on to celebrations the one today and for all birth days past and future.

Letting It Be

So why is it sometimes a friend does the innuendo joke thingee, and the receiver ends up feeling badly about a decision they have made?  Or is it that the person receiving the innuendo thingee reads into it whatever they are most afraid?

We humans are very social at this point in our evolution.  Of course there are those that socially want to do murder but overall, the majority of us need friends of some sort, need to have a mate, need to give birth and/or be a parent, need to interact with others in similar situations, need to interact with others in different situations, etc. etc.

Actually I think I have been guilty of doing the innuendo thingee in the past and that's probably why I can identify the action so accurately.   However I hope at this point in my life that I have gotten over feeling the need to make others uncomfortable with which I don't agree.  And I know I have purposely tried  to avoid doing that to others because I don't like when it happens to me.  So I can make a judgement about a situation and know that I would hope not to make that decision were I in the same circumstance; however I do not have the need to express that in any fashion, directly or in an insinuating way.  Gosh, I sincerely hope I have gotten that far with being human.

So what do I do about this friend.  Do I decide she really wants me to feel bad?  Do I overlook the insensitive comments she makes as a way of joking?

Gonna think about this a while and kind of just "let it be" for now.

My Cousin Delores

Today at my window did my sketching, had conversations with Jack and various other people hangin' around here.  I woke up to a dead ipad so couldn't get on and check email, or USA Today or anything.

So thinkin' about my cousin Delores this morning.  She's gone already, passed in her late 40's from the big "C".  Our whole family really took her death hard, she left 6 kids I think and a young one in middle school or just entering high school.  It's been at least 20 years since she died, and it was a reminder lesson for me about living every moment as it is our last.  Delores did that.  She loved children, and my cousin Hank with all of her heart and soul and I do believe all she ever wanted was to be a good mother, a spiritual person and to be loved by Hank.  So she did that.  Her number one intention was for her kids to know they were loved, to give them all the confidence in the world, and to be there for them in whatever way she could; the amazing side of her was, I believe, never losing sight of that intention--no matter what!

I may be one of the few that have these beliefs about Delores.  I think this because I saw her from a very different perception.  I was a kid myself when she became my cousin's girl, and she was always ready to babysit us and she was a person that didn't just go through the motions as a sitter.  We really felt she "saw" us as little girls needing attention and love, she was so kind in a genuine way.  Then for her kids, she went without and when it came to her health she left herself last and so she was taken away at such a young age, but not without having a wonderful life.  She knew who she was, knew what made her happy and genuinely was that person throughout her quick life.

It's a good memory for me, my cousin Delores.  I remember her smile, the love in her eyes for every child and her prideful smile when her children did well.  She had a simple life, serving those she loved-- a wonderful example for me.

Pacifiers, Kids and Breakfast

Well this mornin, in my view is a pacifier and kids and grandkids at the breakfast table.  I did not cook breakfast nor will I be washing dishes, others have taken over those tasks for today and I am grateful.  Grateful for their help; mostly though, grateful for having my girls and their kids here.

I am a fortunate person.  When I had my kids, it was not much of a choice...it was something everybody did--get married, have kids, buy a cottage by the sea and live happily ever after.  Family would be tantamount to everything with Sunday family dinners every week, everybody would get along and love would be in abundance everywhere.

Reality is there never was a cottage by the sea, the high school sweetheart became disenchanted and left for better experiences, family hurts could not be healed, Older Daughter had to disappear to save herself, Younger Daughter only had bits and pieces of a father figure, and Mama Dearest survived.

Me (I am the Mama Dearest in this scenario) survived by being focused on necessities and taking breaks from bad situations with alcohol, bad men, and lots of wrong choices.

So how happy am I at this point in my life, my third act, to find that Daughters Oldest and Youngest are the wonderful people that they are.  They have found the abundance in their lives that I always craved, they truly know the important things in life, and are far more authentic beings than I ever hoped they would be.

Just sharing intimate thoughts this morning At My Window.

So, it's Friday so why does it feel like a Monday?  I guess cuz of all the holidays that just passed, and I need a Monday so badly...to refresh my new year?  I dunno.