Think tomorrow.

Almost the end of September and have I quit feeling sorry for myself yet?  Mebbe, mebbe not!  Yeah been feeling sorry for myself, can't paint worth a darn and don't know what my purpose for being on this earth is yet.  It's not to paint a masterpiece, write a bestseller or be famous!  I always thought I would be one of those...but I didn't do the work.  I never bothered to go to college, wasn't urged by parents though how long can that be my excuse?  Guess it has been my excuse up until now, now I am finding that I just did not want to put in the time and energy for school.  I wanted to live in the moment which was so fun at the time, and I was a part of all of it...except the school, serious part.

I am not really sorry about my life, I am happy that I have done really everything I ever wanted, thought of, was told about, read about and I feel that I am one of the consciously aware of human power. I know what I can do in the world, with whom I can connect and with whom I am connected with on an ongoing basis.  Maybe I wouldn't have achieved that if I had taken time for book learning'.

Still don't know my purpose.  Think about it again tomorrow.

I WON'T be led by the nose!

I am so tired of being led by the nose by the political TV shows and pundits.  Why aren't all the American people?  Maybe it's just me in my household that is sooooo frustrated by the opinions of the Bill O'Reillys and Keith Obermanns of the world.  Is this happening in other homes or just mine?

I see the people in Missouri demonstrating, picketing, and looting over the killing of a black kid by a white cop.  I hear the pundits and people who have a mic before them spewing their opinions of the incident, then I see everyday people breaking in to businesses in the area.  Now what is that about?  The kid that was killed?  The cop that killed him?  The liquor store that was robbed before the kid was killed?  How does this human behavior fix the problem, make whites love blacks and/or blacks love whites, or expedite the investigation into the situation so that blame can be placed where it needs to be placed?  

And why do we sit in front of our television set and listen to the hogwash that is fed to us?  One network is spewing a liberal opinion, another spews the conservative view.  Is there no where to get news, just news without somebody sticking a hook into our noses to lead us around the mule track?

I say no there is not, not in this immediate news society.  I am not watching it, I am saying right here and now if the rhetoric is going on in the television set in my house-- I am retreating to my art room or going to leave this house.  I need peace, and I will get it.

Gardening Grandma that Paints

Talk about cutting back?  I have cut back from all outside sources of deadlines except for facials and hair stylist appointments.  It became a chore to paint for the gallery, a chore to have to leave the house to go to the gallery, a chore to volunteer my time, a chore to go to meetings.  Once I got to all of these places it was wonderful:  painting at the gallery while working, showing and talking about art, finding out about trips and wonderful things that clubs do, what could be better?  BUT once I became unhappy about walking into my art room to create, I knew that it was time to get back to basics.

The Gardening Grandma that Paints is really who I am at my core.   GGtP enjoys being with her children, grandchildren and husband most of all in the world, just a meal together with conversation, or maybe a movie that everybody enjoys, we all went bowling once and that's a favorite memory.  Second a GGtP cooking in her kitchen for a special occasion is probably my second most favorite thing.  I love to plan the meal, get to a farmers market for fresh ingredients and then cook for hours in my kitchen listening to the music that I love.  Even if it's just Papa and me for dinner, I really can be in my zone with this process.  Oh! and third is gardening and that includes the planning of a nice arrangement in the yard all the way to the actual digging in the dirt.  Of course planning includes a few trips to a favorite nursery to see what Scott has created, and then having lunch in the Conservatory with my best escort, Jack.   Probably down the line in 4th place is shopping for this GGtP but only when she has money to spend (window shopping never my thing), and it's always fun to have a grandkid or two along on which to spend that money.

So!  I haven't been in my art room to paint in a couple months now.  Even drawing hasn't been appetizing...however, I woke up this morning with a fresh mind and with a little of my joy back.  Did a little drawing out in the back yard.

Maybe I'll begin a small painting...maybe...Bobbie, breathe...1,2,3,4 hold, breathe...okay just a maybe for now.

Manipulating Ways

If one's life is never revealing who one truly is, then is there a perception that others that are truthful in their relationships are manipulating?

I keep thinking back to when a family member advised me that another family member had told her that I was master manipulating my husband.  I wasn't insulted or even upset by the comment (maybe at first for a few solitary minutes) because I had been called that at another time in a written letter which I still possess.  I stood back or close, don't remember, and I do remember pondering the comment in my head asking myself, "is that true?"  My answer to the family member was yes, I guess I do manipulate my husband in the way that I negotiate for what I want and need.  And further, he manipulates me right back.  His and my desires and needs are met because we are honest with each other about what those might be, then the negotiation begins as to what we will give up or do for the other person in order for that process to happen.  So yes, we love each other and want happiness for the other person along with ourselves so we are, we are both master manipulating.

I came right home and discussed this in detail with my husband.  I told him of the conversation and how we were being perceived.  He said that I could manipulate him any day of the week.  I told him the same, and retreated to the kitchen to bake his favorite cherry pie.

In the other situation (the letter), I was accused of being a manipulating person in communicating with this woman's son who I felt was in need of a friend to answer his many queries and to just hear him rant.  I never called him, he always called me and always wanted my counsel which I shared at first in a very mild and kind way.  When he didn't understand what I perceived as his faults I began to be more honest in a semi-mild way which was unacceptable to him at which time his mother felt the need to threaten me into no contact with her son which was easy because he no longer called me and when we saw each other we did not speak.  I never responded to dear Mom to inform her of the son's attempt at manipulating me with his phone calls and conversation.  I just knew I had done nothing wrong taking this young man's calls in an effort to ease his pain and at one point advising him to search for professional help (I was in fear that he was depressed enough to hurt himself in some way).     These phone calls often ended with me in tears, torn that I may have been giving bad advice.  Many times I discussed these conversations with Jack in an effort to determine if I had done harm in any way.

I am probably very good at making excuses, or rationalizing and if it's true I can take responsibility for it.  I only know that my truth is what guides me, I am as authentic and honest as I can be at 65 years old.

Now baking a cherry pie for my husband makes him happy for 2 weeks.  In those 2 weeks I see that he has a twinkle in his eye that is not always there at 81 years old, and of course he is nicer and easier to get along with.  Do I do it for the treatment if affords me or for the twinkle?  I let the reader decide.
I know my truth.

Yay! Art Fiestas are fun for the Buyers, not so much for the Vendors

So did the Art Fiesta Festival which I have adored going to since I moved here to NorCal.  My artist friend was a regular of this show and always did well.  On a whim I applied this year and was accepted based on 3 images of my latest landscapes.  This which I am now considering "My last art hurrah" wasn't much of a yay! but instead a kind of a low and uninspiring adieu.

First, I loved so much of the two days... conversing with artists, meeting them and getting to know how they came to their particular expertize, hours of people watching and just kind of enjoying the ambience of the whole show.  Music on Day 1 was loud enough for me to enjoy and was a kind of Cubana salsa type.  I sold a piece, Miller Park, to a wonderful gal...works for DA's office, a homicide attorney with a great haircut asymmetrical short on one side...adorable friendly and energetic young woman.  Coffee from Insight Coffee House was wonderful.  Doing some shopping getting to die for gifts for friends and family.

Now there was stress involved for which I really wasn't prepared; a lot of thinking how to do it, wondering whether or not I would remember everything that I would need while there, hoping SQUARE would work for all of my credit card sales, etc.  At first, I was feeling confident that I could do this on my own, alone and knowing my set up stuff and art would fit in the car, etc. and then not feeling confident at the last moment which I could have been okay with had the air temperature not been upwards of 104 degrees with my 10x10" area being in the sun all day.  AND the one sale I did make was paid for by check so what was all he SQUARE stress about?  I mean really??? LOL

For now I have decided to retire for the second time:  taking a year to put  ME and my family first, a year to enjoy my garden, redecorate my kitchen, and cook some really great meals.

It will also be a good time to get rid of old art that bugs me every time I see it, and discover which direction my painting should take if and when I get back into it.

Yay!

Opting for Change

At my window this Wednesday morning I am having thoughts of cleaning the clutter in my mind.  To do that I must let go of some activities in my life that I still enjoy but are becoming too difficult to maintain.  In reading about the brain I understand that something one enjoys the first time it is done turns on all kinds of lights and whistles in the pleasure zone, subsequent times the activity is accomplished only diminishes that first experience.  I believe once that happens to the point where it becomes rote, one should let go to begin anew.

Change is not something humans enjoy.  The comfort zone is forever awakened from its comfortable and enjoyable sleep to step into new territory thereby allowing for a new brain wave, extension, wire, or whatever we want to call it.  It may seem difficult to the human at first, however one never knows what new lights and whistles will be turned on and there, there is where joy happens I believe.

So, I am keeping my priorities fresh.  I am opting for change.

Sunday Thoughts

At my window this Sunday morning, all I have is to be grateful for all of my blessings.  Jack and I love our home, our garden, our friends here in our neighborhood.  We also have loverly friends outside of our neighborhood, more like family.  We are so grateful for all of those.

For me, I am grateful for my husband and his loving ways.  He is my rock to lean on when I am weak and tired, he is my muse, my one-man appreciation party.  Without make-up, without clothes, when I am at my meanest...my husband still sees the good me and loves me.

I am grateful for my daughters; they are my touch stones, my links to my past and the reasons for my pride.  I learn from them everyday, they love me with all my warts and pimples and enough to share the honesty that keeps me sane.

The grandkids let me get out my inner-child and feel the freedom that brings me.  They love the stories that only I can tell, and when I am with them we share my memories and their interpretations which always leads to laughter and contentment.  I am so grateful for the ideas and profound lessons I learn from them.

I am also so grateful for Jack's kids.  They share stories of  Jack's earlier life, and they carry so many of their dad's traits, tastes and emotions.  It's a pleasure to see and feel life as they do.  Their children also bring out my inner child and we share the love that only an extra grandma can bring.

The material things?  I am grateful for material things, they help to form who I am.  The thought that if I lose my material possessisons, I will be burdened with finding out who I am without them, never is far away.  BUT I  also know that I will be grateful when/if that time comes...and it may not be a burden but a new adventure for me.

Best of Christmas was in February

Yep so for Christmas, two of my boys gave me a date with them for dinner at Red Lobster.  So recently we did it.  Here's Levi above,



and here's Zak and me, Levi took the pic.

We had a really good time.  We had tons of food, first an appetizer of nachos with something weird on the top, maybe shrimp and a sauce.  Zak had some pasta with sauces, broccoli and of course the yummy bread which Levi and me wanted and Zak didn't.  Levi ordered shrimp grilled on a skewer and ate those up pretty darn quick with mashed potatoes.  Levi and I are enjoying the soft, delicious morsels of biscuits that were brought to us when Levi tells Zak to try just a tiny piece which he did...then he (Zak) polished off the rest of the biscuits--we had to get more!

So lunch took about two hours since we are never in a great rush, the three of us.  We made it over to the mall to look for clothes for Zak, apparently he needed shirts for school and Levi has plenty but he found a pillow that is awesome.  We ended up with 3 shirts and 2 pants and I don't know what else, the pillow for Levi and some kind of magical thing for Zak for which he wanted to pay me back but I said no...each kid had to get a prize with Nana.

What a great day!  The best Christmas present I have received thus far in my life.  I am a lucky Nana and a happy one...breathing awesomely as I think of that day and my loverly boys.

Besties, Holidays and the Rain

So I am finally in the mood again to write down my thoughts.  Holidays are fun and meaningful, filled with friends and family and mostly the interruption into our regular scheduled lives is welcome; however for me, once the excitement passes I am ready to get back to the uneventfulness of my life now. And then of course we lost a very close sister, Jack's oldest sister really, and the suddenness of the event was very disrespectful though the part we played in the scenario was good for my husband in that he became very cognizant of family love and all the meanings surrounding it.

Today I am off to the Crocker with bestie Margot.  We will have a wonderful day as always when we are together.  We will finish one another's sentences, laugh at the same things and love the same things.

Rain began last night after no rain yet this year, so for so many reasons I will be breathing steadily an well.