A Simple Life

So at my window this beautiful Monday mornin' I am enjoying memories of a great weekend, looking forward to the weekend ahead at Ironstone Vineyards showing my art, and preparing to be present in this day getting ready for my presentation.

I have, so far this morning, printed images of all available art.  These will be included in my portfolio in which I am also including information about a couple of awards I have received, art affiliations I have, and about the blogs I have established.  I have visions of people lining up to check out this compilation of my work, however in reality will be happy if my husband is impressed because I know I am; impressed with myself, that is, and I say this laughing out loud at this fairy-tale I have contrived.

For it is all a joke you know.  In my head my life is what I always dreamed it would be:  retired after a wonderful career that I enjoyed immensely, kids all grown up and successful in their own right, grandkids at my beck and call whenever I need hugs and smiles, a husband that is a person of which I am soooooo proud and in desperate love, and I am a painter with lots of painterly friends who sells and shows her art on a regular basis enjoying the process along the way.  While all of this is true, I leave out all of the difficult times like when the water was turned off because I couldn't pay the bill, like when I was on a corner somewhere in Huntington Beach not knowing who I was or where I was going, like the numerous times Youngest Daughter had to drop off a check to pay the phone bill before it was turned off.  Those are just a few of the secrets I carry along with me on my life's journey.

I prefer not to have secrets anymore.  I'm out there with my stinkin' secrets, I'm painting all the hard times away and all the times I have felt sorry for myself.  I don't feel sorry anymore because I can breathe now, not having to keep the secrets allows me to breathe, to be honest, to be fulfilled without guilt.  Wow! Who knew this life was so simple?  And so funny, so stinkin' funny that it was so simple all along.

Best Friends Forever

So I absolutely adore my husband, my kids and grandkids; BUT my BFF, well there is a jewel to behold.

She gets me in a way that nobody else does and knows a lot of my secret needs, wants, past and present indescretions, family secrets...and we cuss when it's just the two of us.  Oh yes, we say the F word, use SHIT very liberally, and one of our favorites is A-hole!  We can complain about our daughters to each other without the other thinking less of the kid and without the other person coming back at us with the wonderfulness of their kid just to make the other feel bad.

We can see things from another perspective giving our BFF input that is invaluable to our social interactions.  When we get together for a doctor's appointment or for an excursion, we disclose all present dilemmas and either I can advise her or she advises me.  We do this for each other, but really I think she helps me more than I could ever do for her.  She absolutely has my back in every situation.

Love my BFF.

Law of Love and Questions

Today I learn the law of love; that what I give my brother is my gift to me.
~Unknown

At my window this morning, in an effort to serenely begin my day I read the above quote which is offered by the Zig Ziegler site.   It so resonates with my life right now, today, in that I am in touch with that "law" and desire living it.

It seems every once in a while I find myself in the middle of two points of view and in trying to please everyone, especially myself, my suppressed feelings begin to make me sick, melancholy and then turn to anger.  I am at the anger stage now and am not delighted over thinking that the anger must be shared if only to keep others aware of who I am and my need to be that person and not who somebody else wants me to be.

Am I selfish?  If I am true to my beliefs, even if my beliefs are wrong somewhere somehow, am I selfish to scream out and let myself be rid of the anger that stirs me to boiling?  Is it just society that judges the behavior as wrong or is it disturbing the Universe's balance?  And I know I don't mind about society's judgement, BUT unbalancing the plusses and minuses in the "U"?  Is that where I want to go?  If the above stated law of love is the "truth", then am I placing a plus into the "U"?  Maybe if I let go of the anger and scream and boil and just state my opinion calmly, will that put this onto the plus side?

Off to paint with the girls...and to try to breathe, to smile, to find some answers.