Birth Days

So at my window this morning, I have no desire to sketch just to think and be in my head.  A granddaughter turns 14 today and her birthday, all birth days really inspire thoughts of the goodness of motherhood.  No matter what a person's circumstance, when a mother looks at that newborn in her arms, feels the warmth of that new life, smells and breathes in the freshness of her-- a miracle is realized.

Then as we get older and go through our choices, circumstances that we create; we become wiser and more thoughtful about life, what it means to be human and how we decide our own human-ness will take shape.  For me, my children were a part of that process and due to their insight and observance they were able to absorb some of the good that was around them.  I'm not saying there weren't any negatives around, but I guess part of the miracle of humans is that each generation is better and wiser.

Ok, so now on to celebrations the one today and for all birth days past and future.

Letting It Be

So why is it sometimes a friend does the innuendo joke thingee, and the receiver ends up feeling badly about a decision they have made?  Or is it that the person receiving the innuendo thingee reads into it whatever they are most afraid?

We humans are very social at this point in our evolution.  Of course there are those that socially want to do murder but overall, the majority of us need friends of some sort, need to have a mate, need to give birth and/or be a parent, need to interact with others in similar situations, need to interact with others in different situations, etc. etc.

Actually I think I have been guilty of doing the innuendo thingee in the past and that's probably why I can identify the action so accurately.   However I hope at this point in my life that I have gotten over feeling the need to make others uncomfortable with which I don't agree.  And I know I have purposely tried  to avoid doing that to others because I don't like when it happens to me.  So I can make a judgement about a situation and know that I would hope not to make that decision were I in the same circumstance; however I do not have the need to express that in any fashion, directly or in an insinuating way.  Gosh, I sincerely hope I have gotten that far with being human.

So what do I do about this friend.  Do I decide she really wants me to feel bad?  Do I overlook the insensitive comments she makes as a way of joking?

Gonna think about this a while and kind of just "let it be" for now.

My Cousin Delores

Today at my window did my sketching, had conversations with Jack and various other people hangin' around here.  I woke up to a dead ipad so couldn't get on and check email, or USA Today or anything.

So thinkin' about my cousin Delores this morning.  She's gone already, passed in her late 40's from the big "C".  Our whole family really took her death hard, she left 6 kids I think and a young one in middle school or just entering high school.  It's been at least 20 years since she died, and it was a reminder lesson for me about living every moment as it is our last.  Delores did that.  She loved children, and my cousin Hank with all of her heart and soul and I do believe all she ever wanted was to be a good mother, a spiritual person and to be loved by Hank.  So she did that.  Her number one intention was for her kids to know they were loved, to give them all the confidence in the world, and to be there for them in whatever way she could; the amazing side of her was, I believe, never losing sight of that intention--no matter what!

I may be one of the few that have these beliefs about Delores.  I think this because I saw her from a very different perception.  I was a kid myself when she became my cousin's girl, and she was always ready to babysit us and she was a person that didn't just go through the motions as a sitter.  We really felt she "saw" us as little girls needing attention and love, she was so kind in a genuine way.  Then for her kids, she went without and when it came to her health she left herself last and so she was taken away at such a young age, but not without having a wonderful life.  She knew who she was, knew what made her happy and genuinely was that person throughout her quick life.

It's a good memory for me, my cousin Delores.  I remember her smile, the love in her eyes for every child and her prideful smile when her children did well.  She had a simple life, serving those she loved-- a wonderful example for me.

Pacifiers, Kids and Breakfast

Well this mornin, in my view is a pacifier and kids and grandkids at the breakfast table.  I did not cook breakfast nor will I be washing dishes, others have taken over those tasks for today and I am grateful.  Grateful for their help; mostly though, grateful for having my girls and their kids here.

I am a fortunate person.  When I had my kids, it was not much of a choice...it was something everybody did--get married, have kids, buy a cottage by the sea and live happily ever after.  Family would be tantamount to everything with Sunday family dinners every week, everybody would get along and love would be in abundance everywhere.

Reality is there never was a cottage by the sea, the high school sweetheart became disenchanted and left for better experiences, family hurts could not be healed, Older Daughter had to disappear to save herself, Younger Daughter only had bits and pieces of a father figure, and Mama Dearest survived.

Me (I am the Mama Dearest in this scenario) survived by being focused on necessities and taking breaks from bad situations with alcohol, bad men, and lots of wrong choices.

So how happy am I at this point in my life, my third act, to find that Daughters Oldest and Youngest are the wonderful people that they are.  They have found the abundance in their lives that I always craved, they truly know the important things in life, and are far more authentic beings than I ever hoped they would be.

Just sharing intimate thoughts this morning At My Window.

So, it's Friday so why does it feel like a Monday?  I guess cuz of all the holidays that just passed, and I need a Monday so badly...to refresh my new year?  I dunno.

Ready 2013? Here I Come!

Well!  Not at my window this afternoon, I have already gravitated to my studio since Jack is enjoying T.V. football in the kitchen.  Through the magic of my blog I can enjoy my view right here at my desktop.

So last day of 2012, and life just keeps getting better and better.

I think a big part of this truth is that I actually acted upon some advice I had been hearing for years but could never get myself to follow through with.  That advice was "What leaves you feeling bad, do less of.  What leaves you feeling good, do more of."

It took me years to figure out that sometimes people don't like you, and sometimes those people are your own family.  For lots of years I believed "you always hurt the one you love" and thought that it was okay.  OKay for me to make loved ones feel lousy, okay for me to be the one hurt.  Just swallow the lousy feeling and go on for another day of hurting others and being hurt.

Today, I have forgiven all the crummy comments, hatefulness that has come my way, all of the ugliness that has stepped into my home.  Mostly though, I have forgiven myself for all of the crummy comments, hatefulness that I have spewed, and ugliness that I have splayed about.

2013 is my year for acting only after I have paused to determine my intention.   I have actually succeeded in doing less of what leaves me feeling bad, and I am endeavoring to do more of what leaves me feeling good.  What I am discovering is that most of what leaves me feeling good is not determined by other people's actions but MY OWN.

So come on 2013, I am ready for ya'!

Life and Enchiladas

Day after Christmas, Jack is in the living room playing the piano (actually practicing), I have music playing in the kitchen and am getting my thoughts for today down on my ipad.

So many years ago Fr. Gordon said life is like gravy, and I loved that analogy for many years.  Now that I'm 63 my idea is that life is like enchiladas.

To make enchiladas one must first get all the ingredients ready.  The chiles are prepared by heating them making them soft and easy to lovingly peel, extraordinary spices are gathered and blended with the chiles to make a smooth and flavorful gravy.  Cheese is carefully grated, not too small--not too big, and onions are chopped small and uniform.  Large black, pitted olives are placed in a bowl at the ready.  Then and only then are we ready to heat the corn tortillas, dip them in the delectable gravy and fill them just perfectly for our pan of enchiladas to be made ready for the oven.  We place our little packages of goodness into a warm oven for a short while to blend all of the ingredients into the melted cheeses.  Then we enjoy.

So in life there are many ingredients we must get ready for our "pan" to eventually be successful.  We take from our parents, family, teachers and wise elders how they love, how they are kind, how they live their lives.  We take that information and decide who we are, how we will stand up for ourselves, how we will have goals and achieve them, how to love.  There are many steps to get these ingredients ready and lots of errors we will make along the way.  Don't be afraid to make mistakes, those are our best lessons and we will not grow without making mistakes.

Then we begin the process of putting everything together in nice neat little packages.  At this point we

must put the right amount of each ingredient to make our little packages uniform and delicious; lots of truthfulness, gratefulness, loving thoughts and deeds; not too much sarcasm, greediness, nor do we need to be judgemental.  A little warmth and love is the glue that keeps everything together.

Of  course, in life we may never get a nice pan of enchiladas just perfect but who wants perfection anyway???  Certainly not me.