Roses and Dad

Beautiful outside already, 7:30am, and I love that about Northern California.  There's no morning uck to burn off before sunniness is around us.  The trees in the distance have long shadows on the fairway and all the green is back after the grays and emptiness of the winter.  Thank you Universe for this lovely day and for the sound sleep I enjoyed last night.

I see that my one rose bush has about 8 buds beginning to burst.  Dad's had his influence on that bush, I feel his presence everytime I see home grown roses.  You know the ones I mean:  they're not perfect, kinda floppy but intense in color and the fragrance fills one's head, and immediatly one knows they were not produced in a controlled environment but left to be a part of nature.

Love you Dad.

A Tree

Sunday already at my window and today I just want to talk about my window, well not the actual window but the view outside of it.

Today my focus is on a tree that is on the other side of the fairway growing at the edge of the creek that runs there.  It is sooo green, you know a true grass green and darker on the right shadowy side.  Then the branches that come this way are bathed in sunlight and One can make out the small leaves, the shapes of the clusters of leaves with the color becoming a more yellow-green at the tips on the left sides of the clusters.  Of course there are many values of the greens beginning darker in the shadows. The left side of the tree is again in shadow because there is mure shrubbery growing to the left placing that side in the cast shadow.  The trunk almost disappears into the shadows underneath the tree and when I focus there I see that there are other trunks barely visible that belong to trees that are located behind this front one.

I love this view; the simpleness of the tree, the complexity of the tree.  From a distance it is lovely, stoic and standing to provide beauty and shade.  If we walk over to it we realize it is home to so many birds, lizards, flying insects, crawling insects, living things tnat we don't even see.  If we study trees we find that they help provide our air, create habitat for larger animals like squirrels amd skunks etc.

For me, I sit and ponder this tree and try to get into its wisdom, into just being here like the tree for we are the same on so many levels.  We are created from the same beginning cosmic cell conspiracy, we are on earth to live together not communicating with words but there is spiritual connection, there is so much to be learned from this tree.  Thank you Universe for this tree.

Hurtful Words

It's dark outside my window this morning, 6 a.m., and I'm hoping for a nice day out at the flea market.

My thoughts last night in my dreams were of things that I say and that I don't mean, ways that others can misinterpret my intentions.  Well not even misinterpret because I can say out loud a condescending statement but in my head there are so many caveats, I actually do not mean what has come out of my mouth.  Because the further explanation is in my head, I don't really think further words out loud are necessary at the time.  The person to whom I'm speaking is usually too polite to ask for more information and just respond with a smile or laugh.  It's only later that I realize the harsh words that I really did not mean.  By then it is too late, the moment has passed.

Of course sometimes Jack does react in a hurt angry way to something I have said to him.  Then I am awakened to my hurtful, inappropriate comments with his promise to not talk to me anymore.  We argue because he must make me understand how my words did not convey my thoughts appropriately, and then we go on-- him being far more forgiving than I am.

I actually awoke a couple times last night with remembeances of a few of the harsh, hurtful things I have said out loud.  Can it be possible with my owning this behavior in this blog that I can change my future conversations?  We, me and my soul, can only try and then do our best.

A Grateful Sunday

So!  At my window this beautiful Sunday morning, I'm doing the gratitude thing.  I hear a few birds sharing their melodious sounds letting me know Spring is imminent.  A dong from the heavy metal chime reminds me Wind, my old friend, is still cooling the morning and spinning the smells of the flowers into my sacred window space.

As I enjoy the little puffs of yellow which will soon be happy daffodils smiling from my garden, a couple of intertwined finches hit the window pane reminding me that Spring is time for new life and renewals.  Soon we will be finding bird nests in the pepper trees and in the woodbeams of the patio.

Thank you Universe for accommodating me when you have, for pointing me in the correct direction when that was necessary, and for showing me the way when I was lost.  I am so grateful for those things that are there for me and for my being able to SEE those accommodations and directions and for the freedom to choose me.

A Simple Life

So at my window this beautiful Monday mornin' I am enjoying memories of a great weekend, looking forward to the weekend ahead at Ironstone Vineyards showing my art, and preparing to be present in this day getting ready for my presentation.

I have, so far this morning, printed images of all available art.  These will be included in my portfolio in which I am also including information about a couple of awards I have received, art affiliations I have, and about the blogs I have established.  I have visions of people lining up to check out this compilation of my work, however in reality will be happy if my husband is impressed because I know I am; impressed with myself, that is, and I say this laughing out loud at this fairy-tale I have contrived.

For it is all a joke you know.  In my head my life is what I always dreamed it would be:  retired after a wonderful career that I enjoyed immensely, kids all grown up and successful in their own right, grandkids at my beck and call whenever I need hugs and smiles, a husband that is a person of which I am soooooo proud and in desperate love, and I am a painter with lots of painterly friends who sells and shows her art on a regular basis enjoying the process along the way.  While all of this is true, I leave out all of the difficult times like when the water was turned off because I couldn't pay the bill, like when I was on a corner somewhere in Huntington Beach not knowing who I was or where I was going, like the numerous times Youngest Daughter had to drop off a check to pay the phone bill before it was turned off.  Those are just a few of the secrets I carry along with me on my life's journey.

I prefer not to have secrets anymore.  I'm out there with my stinkin' secrets, I'm painting all the hard times away and all the times I have felt sorry for myself.  I don't feel sorry anymore because I can breathe now, not having to keep the secrets allows me to breathe, to be honest, to be fulfilled without guilt.  Wow! Who knew this life was so simple?  And so funny, so stinkin' funny that it was so simple all along.

Best Friends Forever

So I absolutely adore my husband, my kids and grandkids; BUT my BFF, well there is a jewel to behold.

She gets me in a way that nobody else does and knows a lot of my secret needs, wants, past and present indescretions, family secrets...and we cuss when it's just the two of us.  Oh yes, we say the F word, use SHIT very liberally, and one of our favorites is A-hole!  We can complain about our daughters to each other without the other thinking less of the kid and without the other person coming back at us with the wonderfulness of their kid just to make the other feel bad.

We can see things from another perspective giving our BFF input that is invaluable to our social interactions.  When we get together for a doctor's appointment or for an excursion, we disclose all present dilemmas and either I can advise her or she advises me.  We do this for each other, but really I think she helps me more than I could ever do for her.  She absolutely has my back in every situation.

Love my BFF.

Law of Love and Questions

Today I learn the law of love; that what I give my brother is my gift to me.
~Unknown

At my window this morning, in an effort to serenely begin my day I read the above quote which is offered by the Zig Ziegler site.   It so resonates with my life right now, today, in that I am in touch with that "law" and desire living it.

It seems every once in a while I find myself in the middle of two points of view and in trying to please everyone, especially myself, my suppressed feelings begin to make me sick, melancholy and then turn to anger.  I am at the anger stage now and am not delighted over thinking that the anger must be shared if only to keep others aware of who I am and my need to be that person and not who somebody else wants me to be.

Am I selfish?  If I am true to my beliefs, even if my beliefs are wrong somewhere somehow, am I selfish to scream out and let myself be rid of the anger that stirs me to boiling?  Is it just society that judges the behavior as wrong or is it disturbing the Universe's balance?  And I know I don't mind about society's judgement, BUT unbalancing the plusses and minuses in the "U"?  Is that where I want to go?  If the above stated law of love is the "truth", then am I placing a plus into the "U"?  Maybe if I let go of the anger and scream and boil and just state my opinion calmly, will that put this onto the plus side?

Off to paint with the girls...and to try to breathe, to smile, to find some answers.